“Where are they?”
“Where have they gone?”
“I can’t breathe.”
I was 8 the first time I experienced a panic attack. It’s said that you never forget your first panic attack, and indeed, the memory is vivid in my mind. I was at a country house, surrounded by vast gardens buzzing with life: flowers in full bloom, animals frolicking, and big trees that seemed to touch the sky. Nature has always held a special place in my heart. I was mesmerised by the colourful butterflies, the ladybugs, and the caterpillars inching along the leaves.
As I was absorbed in my exploration, a moment of realization struck me with terror—I could no longer see my parents or siblings.
Panic set in, I ran in search of them, my eyes scanning surroundings. But suddenly, dizziness overtook me. My legs became wobbly, and I struggled to breathe. Leaning against a large tree for support, I let my body slump to the ground. My mind raced with thoughts of being lost forever in this immense place. “How will I get home? How can I possibly find my way around?”.
What felt like hours was only minutes before I saw my dad approaching. He had noticed my absence and came looking for me. It turned out they weren’t far from where I had stopped, but my panicked mind had magnified the distance.
An unwelcome relationship
That day in the country house marked the way I operated in the world. It marked the beginning of my relationship with anxiety. Although, I didn’t have a name for it at the time.
I became very aware of living in a world that felt unsafe for me. I worried, I would get distracted again, I worried that I would look too clingy, I panicked if I was not included or left behind in groups. I became very careful with my words and what I would do or say not to upset anyone. And bit by bit, anxiety took over my life.
Fast forward a few decades, and I am able to put a name to my struggles – ADHD and masking. I am now able to identify that my anxiety was rooted in two basic human needs that are two sides of the same coin – belonging and authenticity.
As I strived to belong and be part of, as I strived to join groups (I am a people’s person and I have always enjoyed social interaction), I purposefully adapted and moulded myself to the non-spoken societal rules of engagement which at times were difficult for me to understand and follow. I would much rather belong that being left behind, as the saying goes “there is safety in numbers”.
I robbed myself of my individuality
However, trading belonging for authenticity led me to start to lose sight of myself. I worked really hard to mask my fears and worries, my traits, my challenges and struggles so I could fit in the world. I didn’t realise that all that masking was going to cost me a high price.
I soon found out that being someone you are not, lets alien behaviours to replace your true self. You start losing sight of your YOUNESS.
ADHD in Girls
As I learnt, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) manifests differently in girls compared to boys. While boys with ADHD might display more overt hyperactivity and disruptive behaviour, girls are more likely to exhibit inattentiveness, daydreaming, and internalized symptoms such as low self-esteem and anxiety. That made sense to me.
Research indicates that Neurodivergent individuals are at a higher risk for experiencing anxiety – in fact, about 50% of adults with ADHD also struggle with an anxiety disorder. This fact helped me understand that I want broken or faulty.
I was not surprised to read that anxiety in neurodivergent individuals can stem from a variety of sources, including challenges in social interactions, sensory processing issues, and the constant effort to mask their neurodivergent traits in a world designed for neurotypical individuals.
Today, I have dedicated my life to support those that struggle with mental health, I have been working hard to learn about neurodivergent conditions and the link with anxiety, panic attacks, low self esteem and self doubt. I am passionate to support others navigate similar paths.
Empowering individuals leads to more resilient communities, more inclusive society and a better world.
To those reading this who see echoes of their own experiences in my story, know that your struggles are valid, and your feelings are understood. You are not alone in this journey.
