“Bless her, she doesn’t get it!”
“She is so slow and still she gets it wrong.”
“She is so thick! A 4-year-old could have done a better job than her.”
“What is wrong with her?”
Those were words that I heard as I grew up. From as young as aged five, I remember adults around me trying to drill into my young brain times tables, addition and division, and mental math that everyone else could do and I could not. It was not due to lack of interest or effort. I really wanted to please, I really wanted to be like other kids and get a big, huge smile from my teacher and a “well done!” — but it rarely happened.
By aged 14, I had gone through school struggling to understand math and to get decent grades. I had had endless hours of tutoring in which tutors would explain to me exactly what I was told in school, but it didn’t help me understand math any better. My decision was, “the minute I can choose my preferred subjects, I will get rid of math, and I will be OK”.
So, what was the matter with me? Was I really dumb?
I only learnt about dyscalculia a few years back and then everything made sense. I looked into signs of dyscalculia such as:
Suddenly there was some relief that I was not broken or faulty. My brain operated in different ways.
And I did!
I was 15 when I had the chance to choose my subjects. I had chosen English, French and Italian languages, Latin and classical Greek, history and Spanish language and I was doing just fine! Yay for me, I found an area in which I could thrive, and I really enjoyed. I was at the top of the class, and I was smart again!
It was only a faint illusion…math is everywhere, numbers are a part of life. There are discounts in shops that I can’t calculate. I still use my fingers to add up and when I run out of fingers, I ask the person next to me (my husband, my friends, my daughters) to hold their fingers up so I can continue my counting! I am not able to round figures up or to deduct without the help of a calculator or pen and paper and need a quiet place to be able to do my calculations.
The British Dyslexia Association definition of dyscalculia is:
A specific and persistent difficulty in understanding numbers which can lead to a diverse range of difficulties with mathematics. It will be unexpected in relation to age, level of education and experience and occurs across all ages and abilities. About 6% of people have dyscalculia.
Research on dyscalculia is 30 years behind research on other neurodivergence such as dyslexia. Until recently, dyscalculia was an umbrella term for all math learning difficulties. IIn 2019 the definition of dyscalculia was accepted by SASC (SpLD Assessment Standards Committee) which regulated assessment in 2019.
There is still a long way to go to be able to support dyscalculic individuals with their challenges. There is a lot of awareness to raise and education to impart. And let’s face it, there will be barriers that we will need to be brought down in society so that Dyscalculic individuals feel included and supported.
As for me, not being able to multiply, divide or do discounts does not bother me so much. I am grateful that we live in a digital era, and I have access to calculators wherever I go. I always carry pen and paper just in case, and I now know how to manage my anxiety and nerves when I must perform math.
Nowadays, I am older and wiser. I have learned that I have strengths as well as weaknesses. I bank on my strengths to thrive and achieve in life, and I surround myself with individuals that support, understand and celebrate me just for who I am.
It has taken me a long time to learn to be kinder to myself and change my inner narrative. However, when things are tough, I can now say to myself: “You are doing your best. It is OK not to know everything!”
